It certainly takes courage to be single in your fifties. Those who remain married into their fifth decade can sometimes wear their marriage like a status symbol. But role models for a new normal are emerging. Thrice-married actress Kim Cattrall, who celebrated her 60th birthday this year, says of her single status: I feel in that area, romantically, retired. I did register with a well-known online dating site a while back.
It promised to match me with my perfect partner. Postmedia is pleased to bring you a new commenting experience. We are committed to maintaining a lively but civil forum for discussion and encourage all readers to share their views on our articles. We ask you to keep your comments relevant and respectful. Visit our community guidelines for more information. At 51 years old and single, I am part of a growing group. And this is the best age yet for flying solo. Does monogamy have to be all or nothing? Millennials are way less into being exclusive than their elders The important questions: Is it okay to Google your date before you meet them?
There's little doubt that, whether pipeline capacity constitutes an objective crisis or not, it's top of mind for voters in many parts of the country. But I find that being quite courteous and generous with my money , that I can easily find an attractive bed partner.
I can never keep them for long however…lol. What I have found…is this. This also happens with females of my own age. Again…I will say it…Woman say they want a nice guy…. Niceness gets me laid…. If it makes you feel any better, some of us pretty, ambitious, 24yo prefer nice gentlemen who are in their 40s so long as we have things in common, like passion.
I find myself wanting to discuss world events with him or just hear his perspectives on different issues. It could also be that you sound very shallow and contradict yourself with what you want. If you want pretty blonde white women with a university degree, they are not going to want to stay home and make sure the children are well educated at home as you indicated. This is actually not Dude, it seems that you have enough money to buy yourself a wife. You said yourself you are attracted to beautiful or at least pretty women and not mentioned anything about personality so why not travel to Thailand and make someone very rich and buy yourself companion.
They tend to be petite and cute and they will be greatful that they can now provide for their family back home when they marry you. This is a very interesting article. I have never been married and my parents are divorced and not the greatest parents ever. However I have had loving experiences with other relatives and relationships and I feel aware enough to reject the unfortunate role models and try to embrace love. My experience as a middle aged woman is that I am a little burnt out after trying for so long.
I hate to say this, but as a beautiful heterosexual female I feel that most of the men my age are so jaded that they are seriously not open to having a relationship. I am a kind, loving and energetic woman. The men are so full of fear I am rejected as a spinster, too old and so on. I believe this is their projection of their last failed relationship that they have really not resolved. You cannot believe the unkind things I have heard from grown men. These guys have issues. I have had to end many conversations just to protect myself. Many of us have been hurt, and some have no feeling whatsoever that they should at least be kind to one another.
They really do continue to blame their parents. As I said, I have 2 difficult parents. I learned from their conduct how I do not want to act. Some people seem to use it as a shield or an excuse for their bad behavior. There is such a stereotype against single middle aged women that have ever been married. These guys really have no interest in claiming their manhood.
I am so frightened of going out these days in account of the cruel things men say. They have serious problems. Hate to say it, but I blame the men. Stuck in the past and hostility towards middle aged women is their unresolved issues with another girl or failure to move from the excuse of their dysfunctional family. And if they are seriously interested in remaining single, why could they not at least be cordial to the single ladies.
These men have no manners. Why would I go out to get roughed up by ignorant men. I would never say the unkind things I have heard out of the mouths of people in social settings. Whatever their issues or preference, they lack social graces. Kind manners go a very long way to making things move in a positive direction. I have met affluent, educated people without a shred of social grace.
These people should really stay at home. I am sorry to hear about your situation with men and I fully empathize with you. Its great you have a support network of relatives who you can talk to, as well, since you have a lukewarm relationship with your parents. Just because the men you have met are rude and inconsiderate, it does not mean that all men are like that.
I believe that there is someone out there for you. Just as there is someone out there for me. Just hope, pray and have faith. Never ever give up. Rather than focusing too much on people who do not return your love, focus on those people who love you, ones you are not too crazy about and ones you would not normally consider. Finding love is like marketing your product in a business. If a man who started a business charged dollars for his product and there were 1 or 2 customers, he would have to lower his price for the product, so he would have more customers.
Likewise, you may need to lower your expectations of the ideal man for you. In reality, there is no ideal man out there. Yes, there are men that look attractive on the outside, but they are rude and obnoxious inside. They marry, later get tired of the woman, then divorce and later find another woman. They appear happy on the outside but they are never really satisfied inside. Then, there is the overweight middleaged, slightly balding guy.
He might not seem physically attractive to you, but he might have a heart of gold, be a true gentleman. You bypass him, yet he makes you laugh. You can easily talk to him. He is not judgemental as some of those attractive guys and he simply adores you. You need to consider him seriously as your future partner because with him you will find happiness for life.
Also you need to get yourself out there. Join clubs where you meet other middle-aged people. Take up a hobby. If 70 and 80 year olds can find love, then so can you. Just never give up. Well i was certainly raised by very good parents, and so many women today were raised by very bad parents.
The good old days were certainly the best since many men and women had to really struggle to make ends meat, so women had no choice since they had to accept their men for who they were when both men and women had no money to begin with which many men and women had to live with their parents. That is a good reason why marriages lasted a very long time, and our parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles had very long marriages back then.
So since the times have changed, so have the women which certainly explains why there are so many of us single men today. Most of the women I know make more money than the men they are in relationships with. Many of us are about all those other things a good man can provide such as support, companionship, physical intimacy, love, loyalty, family.
She could have married the next suitor so her kids could eat, but she refused to go down that road again. I take great offense to any suggestion that women and their children should be put in that situation again just so some men can have their egos rubbed. Older men exclude older women. What some men have said in this forum about women, can be said of you men too: You can realistically expect to have your cake and eat it too.
Men are very very very picky and idealistic. It is what it is. My cousin went to a singles dance with his friend many years ago and saw this girl that he was very attracted to which he said to his friend that someday i will marry her. And God punishes many of us Single men and women that would had certainly wanted the same thing.
One very good reason many middle aged men are cynical and jaded about relationships is the financial ruin that many go through after their partner files for divorce. Roughly three quarters of divorces are initiated by women. All the loneliness in the world is far more preferable to me than the wreck. I still wear my ring, not as a reminder of the past relationship but rather, as a deterrent.
Much to the dismay of most of my friends and family, I have decided that staying single is a far better choice for me. My brother just went through a nasty divorce. As you stated, you are not alone. Stories like yours and my brothers make me feel a bit better about never getting married. Good luck going forward. I find myself going through longer and longer phases of loneliness, terrible loneliness.
I have a lot of women friends and do socialize with them during the week, but nights and weekends are reserved for their families husbands,children and grandchildren. I am kind of their touchstone to another life, the single middle aged woman friend. I passed up marriage for a career that never really materialized. No children although I did want to have children.
I should have cut my losses and moved on but we spent years trying to be friends. Why I ask myself? I should have started dating in a serious way, but instead I closed down and really gave up. I am 53 now and I look back and see clearly how I passed up trying and being open to finding a husband and father for the children I wanted and the family life I wanted. I am very alone and no one in my life really knows how alone. My married friends have no clue how difficult it is to date now.
I would rather keep my loneliness to myself and fill my time when I am not working with my interests. I am single because men I meet and date just want sex and are not serious about commitment. I watch porn once in awhile but i still want to spoil somone with love and affection. I even consider myself attractive too but seems nobody wants commitment these days.
My last partner i made clear my feelings. Even after sex i tried many sweet gestures to win her over to no avail, i stayed with her when she needed me and tried to make her laugh and happy, always respected her feelings. Then when i finally gave up and stopped trying we met up again 3 months later while she had a new bf that she decided to come out and tell me about, i didnt ask. I said congrats and continued my work.
Same night she showed up an hour later to ask if i wanted to makeout after im off work. I looked at her with my broken heart and just walked away saying nothing. She claims to my old friends she had too many booze that night. Every relationship ve been in was very similiar. Just people taking my love for granted and me getting fed up with it over time. I have been in a very similar situation me being in your shoes and it really sucks!
I understand being scared to open up again. Same with me, although to add that every time I talk to a guy, he immediately wants to rush into a relationship. No guy that I have come across ever want to take his time to get to know me. Guys, if you are reading this….
Keep doing your thing. Stick behind your beliefs and what you do and believe in yourself. One day, a woman will see that and be attracted to the qualities she sees. Change your job, work out, get manicures, etc….. Some really attractive and nice men stay single or fail every one of their relationships because of the stuff that was explained here. Sometimes looks are the issue, but not always.
As far as I know, I even think self-esteem is more of an issue working out and stuff as you said can help improve it, but people, me included, should above all learn to love and accempt themselves. I could do all of the things you say because I used to and end up with a superficial, stupid and annoying wife that I have no love for. Today the times are certainly much different than it was back then, and it definitely was so much more Easier finding love at that time.
There are really No good places to go anymore since they had single clubs other than the bar scene without drinking, and they had a lot of church dance for singles too. Well that certainly explains why our parents, grandparent, aunts and uncles had it much easier at the time, and many of them are still together as i speak. Why should it be the men who have to change? Why not the woman? Why is it always that the woman does the deciding?
Why is it that we must meet her standards? Sure women have the pressure of having to look pretty and all, but men have the pressure of both looking good and having to do the asking. There is always talk about the lack of equality between men and women, and I agree with a lot of it, but no one ever mentions this. That men have to do the asking and seek approval, and women do the deciding. How sad are many of the responses.
I had all those excuses and more when I was single, and stubborn, and picky and I thought happily single. Then I met my now husband and can now study, and work, and care for my family and pets…and go on holidays and with friends and still have a loving comfortable home-life to come home to. My husband shares all that with me, and makes life and all of the above infinitely easier. So none of those are valid reasons. Someone who truly loves you will wait while you do your homework each night, surely? Other people think they will vanish or self-combust if they are not in a relationship, and will try to be in one no matter what the cost is.
This was one of the best articles on this subject I have read in a long time. I found it brilliantly insightful and illuminating. I find this exceptionally ironic for two reasons: One thing that makes it impossible for me to date is that I never jump on the chance to have an interaction with a woman. They need somebody, but nobody needs you specifically.
You are nobody in the sands of dating possibilities. I have this wall that I feel like I need to be perfect in order to date somebody. God created you and because of that, you have value. Our world today likes to teach us from early childhood that we are a random accident of evolution.
year-old guys are a curious bunch. Find me a group of year-old men and I' ll pick out one overgrown frat dude living with roommates. A man dating a single mom, riding bikes with her on their date together. .. Dating men in their 30s is like hitting the sweet spot. They're old enough to have finally figured out most of the important things in life, If you're wondering where's he at, ask him what he hopes to achieve over the next five years.
It is not true; God created everything. I believe your most critical need is to have a personal relationship with your Creator, who loves you. I would encourage you to find a Bible online or in print and read Genesis history of the world , Psalm , and the book of John—the fourth book of the New Testament.
I just got out of a 12 year marriage. Trying to be a husband and parent at the same time put me and especially her under a huge amount of stress. So what have I come to conclude? As such, I am a control freak times a million. My life is SO sheltered and scripted, and when people try to be spontaneous or change things I present them with super huge resistance.
Foot dragging, procrastinating, whining, complaining. Why put people through that?! So — to add to this otherwise exceptional article, I think sometimes people like me have mental illness that just makes a relationship too impractical. Look how hard relatively normal people struggle to work on and maintain their relationships. Can you imagine how hard it is for someone with NPD to please their partners?
Can you imagine how someone living with an NPD must feel? I read their accounts online and it just makes me sad — how much sadness and emptiness people with my illness cause others. The last women who showed interest in me was politely rejected. She was disappointed and I found it very sweet that someone could be interested in a guy left with so little — so little to offer. Little did she know, I was doing her a massive favor!
I am just so entrenched in this personality disorder that I may never change at all, or if I do change, not enough to make a good companion for someone. I want to make a positive difference in my life and the lives of others. I have to combat my mental illness. Not within a relationship. I found your answer to be one of the most sincere, but self deprecating. I just do better single and am not that great in relationships. I feel like relationships bring out the crazy in me. I must have been in a real heavy mood the day I wrote that piece!
But, the shoe does fit. This is even when I try to be mindful, and giving and appreciative. Anyways, thanks for the reply. Normally when I come out with that stuff people can be rather… judgmental.
Self-depreciating or not, some people are just in rough shape and really should maybe avoid romantic relationships. That is very refreshing to see that you own it and have processed it. That takes a lot of self awareness and courage. Well there are many of us men that really hate being Single, especially when we have a very hard time meeting a Good Woman to spend the rest of our life with, and Loneliness is very much a Curse for us too. Someone decided we would have a credit crunch though about 9 months before I was gonna hit the real big time….
Then, I kind of projected all that feeling for her I suppose on to this other chick I used to know, I had previously known her from school. All the real problems I had were still waiting for me, change the circumstance, change the man….. Saved some cash and went travelling, and boom I was off again, banging backpackers, waitresses, receptionists, cleaners, sales women, 1 journalist even, all sorts of chicks, left, right, centre…I could tell you how to do it, I can tell you what to say, I know exactly what is required to get laid, I even wrote a blog on it for a couple years….
Anyway, my travelling days came to an end, and I came home. Thanks for the article. Gives me something to think about and act upon. Reading some of the comments, it seems like many are in denial …. This is the best articles and all the comments are very interesting… I am a single mother of 17 yrs old boy. Your solitary days will be no more, for tomorrow is safe in my hands.
Merry Christmas mommy, love you so much.
I can identify with certain of the points of the article: Starting with the latter, in my early 20s, I lived my first, which happened to be a long distance relationship, with somebody. During that time, I was unaware of the other relationships that she was engaged in. Tragically, I learnt that she had been sexually assaulted over the course of that year. I was confused, filled with contempt and compassion. It is important to forgive, but to never forget.
About a decade later, I gave another shot at being in a relationship. We liked each other, but there was no love. I think was expecting too much. In fact she was too intelligent for me on a social and logical level. When my work ran out, I moved again, thinking that I loved her. She asked not to be contacted, but I would have liked to at the least keep a friendship going.
Single, 35 years old female, educated and good job.
As a woman I do not understand this. I am not sure what woman would accept a man being continuously unemployed and doing little about it. I still looked past it and stayed positive. I am shallow and admit it. If I can make time to look good for you, then I feel you can try to look good too. For the men who replied saying they are good guys but think they are unattractive, you can change that.
One reader posted that all the good ones are taken, this is true because those men have lives in order and want to move to the next phase. The remaining ones do nothing to change, look like cavemen, or is a whore. Nobody wants a dictator. My problem is that all the women within my age range are either divorced with children, or have children. It is one thing to have preferences, but nobody wants someone telling someone what to do.
Of course I get the weirdos and the garden variety creeps. Like people with staring problems. There is this old saying I learned long time ago, steer clear from the ladies staring at you as they are looking for lust, and unclean. I am destined to be alone, period. People do so much to tick me off on a daily basis, in fact my head would explode if I tried.
I keep trying and failing. Lots of sex and lots of dates but nothing solid. I have no idea why. I wish I could secretly interview all these women to find out why am I always used as the boy toy and never a potential partner. And sometimes if we look real closely we might find we have higher expectations for our partners than we do for ourselves! Not saying you in particular, but a lot of people, a lot of the time.
But what about many of us Single people that really hate to be Alone? And i am sure a lot of the other men and women out there would certainly agree with me too. Really meeting the right person is very hard nowadays since the Divorce rate is so out of control now, unlike years ago when many men and women did make their marriage work.
But otherwise, single people have no idea what that phrase means. Having spent most of my adult life single i know all the difficulties that come with it. But i firmly believe some people are really better off remaining single for their sake and the sake of those they become involved with. I always knew i was self-centered but thought i could change when i got married.
Not long ago during a fight he told me i was the most selfish person he had ever met. That was quite a blow. While he is no picnic basket he does give to others more than i do. I know i have compassion for the less fortunate but never learned to be a very giving person, or at least it would seem. In any relationship you have to give a lot.
Make sure you are ready. You know, it was stated that a bad routine of work and staying in is almost a fault of our own making. My ex lives four states away and only sees our kids every other weekend. I have no interest in bringing a bunch of men around my kids and as a single mother; I am barely able to keep up with work, a household and all the demands of my children. It means that every other Friday night if I am not working a 6th or 7th day for the week , I am dying to put my feet up with that glass of wine and put the TV on.
Not because I am avoiding intimacy, but more because in those moments, I have no demands put on me.
So, I ask this question- where and does a person that is genuinely exhausted meet someone else that has just as much on their plate to share this insanity called life with? I like the idea of being in love and having a relationship, but the theory is different from reality. I think I am lucky to be divorced. Each day that goes by I am stronger being single. I am not alone — I have kids, family, friends… even my ex-wife is a part of my life now, just in a different and limited way.
Was she impossible to please? Some say she was pretty demanding and unwilling to compromise… Or was I putting too much effort into the wrong things? Did I just miss the boat entirely? I am going to enjoy this summer, free from what felt like a whole lot of work and frustration only to have an unappreciative audience at the other end of it. And connecting with the right person for us is very Difficult for us right now, especially for us Good men looking for a Good woman to settle down with. I think that some people want to have ralation but dont know about true contact and what say and how say first time.
I think am just ugly. My height has also contributed. Otherwise some of us wish we had them. I used to be very successful at dating until I was 26, and after that, everything went downhill quickly. Today with almost 31 years old, I have been years without dating, except from maybe a date every 9 months, after which the girl usually wants to know nothing about me anymore.
Maybe they are right. With so many very high maintenance women out there these days it certainly makes it very hard for us good single men meeting a good decent one today. I found this really helpful. I am still lost but mostly because i cant tell which or how many of these are the true cause of my problem. I am only 17 and am by no means dying for a relationship but i was begining to think that there may be smothing wrong with me.
I have always been a little more observant than other kids and when i was in the first grade and girls where already fighting over guys t date i was disgusted. I began to think i was aromantic or asexual and that maye i was better off with just friends. The problem is most people are selfish and self-entitled. Hi, My situation is weird I read some comments who would agree with me. But, nobody shows interest in me the way I wanted — serious relationship! To find someone suitable for you, is to find someone who shares the same things as you not everything, can be a couple of things , wants the same things in life as well.
For the most part why relationships break, is lack of proper communication nagging adds stress to partners , lack of common interests and always giving negative energy. When I find guys, I am looking for common interests, hobbies, views on certain things, something that complements my life and vise versa. The other dating site is way better and more details, 5 categories with percent matches etc. One more thing, children needs a stay home parent to teach and raise their kids and not strangers, that is why some females are looking for a financially stable men!
Yeah I agree with other comments. Sometimes I just sit and think that maybe I will never have a man In my life because I am not attractive,or maybe God wants me to focus on Him. I always wanted someone to compliment my goals and aspirations. I fall into the category of dating adventagous men. It is amazing that the workforce makes you into someone that must succeed higher than the mom just working to put food on the table or compared to the other single woman whom holds herself as a powerhouse with the boys club. For me being single has been more of a curse than a blessing.
I am 26 years old about to 27 next month and I have found that special someone I do see myself with for the rest of my life. In the beginning we did have something special going but now it has deteriorated due to my lying manipulation and other dumb things I have done to anger her. I grew up being bullied not only at school but at home too. My friend gave me the strength to get away from them for good so I can finally start my adult life.
Technically I am single because of the things I have done to hurt my friend and I have to prove to her that I can treat her right. I am in the process of changing my demeanor how I think act and everything so I can prove to her I can be the man she always dreamed of. By all means I am not looking for any sympathy or people to coddle me. Seriously my parents did enough of that shit to me which made me what I am right now a little pussy. I have found that just I need to get better and change. Lol this is what happens when you wake up in the middle of the night with your mind racing and once you get to rolling, you trip over yourself.
I think relationships are give and take nothing is easy in life. But a miserable relationship is not good once people feel taken for granted the resentment sets in which is the beginning of a downward spiral. This situation can be just as bad for both men and women. I am a man, 38 years old, and alone and probably will be alone for whatever the remainder of my days are.
I was married for 16 years and with her 18 years. The separation is just over two years and the divorce is just under a year. She held a burning contempt for me for the last ten years as I desperately tried to find a way to make her happy, or at least appeased.
Attempting to form and maintain romantic relationships has never been easy for me. It has always been the realm of heartache, embarassment, and pain that I am no longer able to bear. Well dating sites out there make it very tough for us good men looking looking for a good woman to connect with, since many times women will show you what there picture is suppose to look like which it never is. And so many women these days are very high maintenance, independent, selfish, spoiled, greedy, and very picky as well which makes it very hard meeting a good honest one that could Accept us for who we really are since many women today do Prefer men with a lot of Money.
There are days I hate being single and days I love it. With that being said I feel the same way you do but towards men. In my case, I strive to be my best, in and out of relationships. I find I do being single better. I personally do not care how much a guy makes. As long as he has a job or career. I prefer a man who has a sense of humor, loves his family, has friends, has his own interest, and money. Because I have a huge heart, some men tend to take advantage of that. But after a while I just walk away. No one likes to get used.
So dating and finding love have many obstacles. Just saying that makes me laugh out loud now. What world did I think I lived in? I went to live in Chile in , when I was 24, and I never looked back. Sometimes I think my heart might explode with all the happiness I feel inside. I will turn 30 on October 4, and quite honestly, it scares me. One of the beautiful things about being this age and single is that I can pick up and leave when I want, no questions ask, no need for a babysitter, no need for planning for anyone else but myself!
I have very supportive parents who have never pressured me into marriage, in fact my mother often tells me how she is envious I have had the chance to live alone and how impressed she is that I eat dinner at restaurants alone without any kind of hesitation.